Did you think my life would end that day?
That you walked out when you broke my heart
Did you think I couldn’t make it through?
Without you
Did you think you’d stop my world with goodbye, no
Did you think I’d crumble inside?

Not me, I’m still breathing
And this heart of mine is still breathing 
I’m not feeling any pain
No baby, not me, I’m still breathing
The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I’m still breathing

There were times when it took all my strength
To get through, yeah, through another day
There were so many nights I thought that I was gonna die without you
But the tears I cried somehow made me strong
Did you think I couldn’t go on

You tried to cut me down
But look who’s still around
Without you
Did you think you’d stop my world with goodbye, no baby
Did you think I'd crumble, just crumble inside?


The tears I cried have dried
You are gone and I survived
I’m still breathing
I'm still breathing

Sorry baby gurls...it has been ages (totally agree with Naxima) that I have not update this blog.  By the way, since it is still syawal...let me be the last person to wish yuols "SELAMAT HARI RAYA....MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN"

At this point of time, again...I'm stucked on a junctions...of paths to go.  Life have so much in stores...happiness, wealth, pain, sorrow....

Am I happy with my life now?  I am....well, sometimes.  Some other times, I feel there are things I need to do for myself.  I know I have potentials and I know my capabilities after all I've been thru..I've grown into one of the best in my area.

Perhaps I should start new life...somewhere very far (believe me...this thought has been crossing my mind millions time since I was A YOUNG GIRL...

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you’re learning
You’ll find all you’ll ever need to know
(be strong)
You’ll break it
(hold on)
You’ll make it
Just don’t forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can’t do
No one can stop you, you know that I’m talking to you

Young girl don’t cry I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall

Listen..Listen..Listen

Hello gurls...lama dah Rose tak update blog kan?  Sorry  yer, sebab Rose busy sangat.  Yang ni pun, Rose nak buat cepat2 so watchout for typo, grammar etc etc.

On 2nd June 2007, Rose baru jer celbrate 2nd anniversary dgn my current bf.  We are now staying together (since Feb 2006).  So sebelum tuh, dia ditugaskan sebagai guru kat kawasan pedalaman (yg takder coverage)..so only Naxima and God knows how I've cried...and that I missed him so much....up to the point "blowing kiss by the wind, seeing him by the moon" were APPLICABLE!  However, I managed to pull all the strenght to hold on until he's here with me now...and we're living happily ever after....

Tapi sekarang......

I just dunno what's happening to me.  I'm supposed to be settled down after all I've been thru...but the last few days, there are so many loves knocking at my door.. first, the head of custom (in one of section) in labuan...wants me so much that he even watched me (thru YM webcam) whole day and asked me to move to Labuan with him....all on his supports.

second..the indonesian innocent 23 years old from jakarta..who are damn goodlooking and willing to work in malaysia (he's in medical field) just to get close to me

third..popular young athletes (form sixer) at local schools..who is being so secretive about his sexual-orientation..but wants me so much that he's doesn't mind anything else...1st crush??

and lastly....my ex..who managed to find me after searching and waiting (he send me postcard with his number and i never call him) for 4 years.  He's now in Sabah, married and just have newborn babyboy.  He told me that he gave up waiting for me and just get married to get over me.  But he was wrong, he's not happy with his wife and even the newborn?  He's going to Kedah next week to further his study (for medical specialist course) for one year and really hoped to see me when I go to Port Dickson end of this month.  He also mentioned about "Brokeback Mountain" movie and expressed how much is he inspired by that movie...gosh...nonethelss, honestly, it was me who left him 4 years ago..and sometimes I regret it...and sometimes I miss him so much.  Memories stay...(actually there are so much that I wanna  share about our memories)...

With my current love...I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO......

Hello gurls...kali ni Rose nak cerita pasal sorang ponen nih..lama dah tak dengar progress nyah ni sebab dier dah lama dah kat KL.  Just recently I tertengok ponen nih masok Astro Prima, rancangan Expose (episode: Nyah).  Nama ponen nih Bonnie.  Dulu masa kat sekolah, dier tak macam tuh...so naive...and chubby.  Waktu I kenal dier nih I baru jer 16 dan dier baru jer 12 (pelapis lar time ittew).

Rose yang sememangnya dulu dah established my name in the town...(waktu tuh I belum kenal si Naxima)...jadi si Bonnie (waktu tuh belum ada identiti) nak betul2 jadi macam Rose (sebab ramai yang obsessed dengan Rose, even nyah lain pun panggil Rose...the legendary queen, kongsi takhta dengan ngan ni Naxima) 

So, si Bonnie ni jadi protege Rose.  I groomed her sampai dier ada identitinya tersendiri....cuma ada masanya Rose perasan dier terikut-ikut cara / trade-mark Rose.  Rose pun tak kisah waktu tuh sebab being the original queen, I tak akan tergugat dengan pelapis2 nih.

Walau bagaimanapun, bila Rose nak jadi low-profile (nak settle down dengan my bf), Rose banyak bagi all the clothings, accesories, make-ups..and Rose masih ingat 1 boot ittew yang Rose susah nak lepas...semua Rose kasik kat ponen-ponen kat town Rose waktu tuh, termasuk si Bonnie.

So macam biasa....berkembanglah bunga2 ponen pelapis di town Rose waktu tuh (ada yang berkembang tapi amat sedih rupanya.....).  Rose tak ambik pot sangat kat ponen2 ittew sebab Rose ada priorities lain.

So just recently when I saw Bonnie balik... I can say I'm quite proud of her achievements.  Cuma Rose tertanya pulak dengan diri sendiri malam tu.... kalau dah klon Rose boleh jadi macam tuh, apatah lagi kalau Rose TAK ceased being queen....

Usually Rose tak tengok rancangan kat TV but last weekend Rose just stayed at home and waktu tu, terlihat APM 2007.  Then, I saw him....Taufik Batisah.  It's been sometimes I haven't had a crush, coz having a crush way way past things for grown woman like me (it happened during my ol skool so-girly days).  Somehow, that particular night I felt my youth crawled back to reminiscence.  His face, body, voice, movement, expression..all pierced thru me!!!  I couldn't believe myself...I'm among thousands (perhaps millions) teenage girls who drool to this guy! My goodness.. 

Taufik..you are not within my reach.  Even if you are....I am just a lil star....

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining
It's probably a reflection of something you already are
I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many others around
When deep inside you feels the darkest
That is where I can always be found

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out and touch me
you'll see that I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you’ll see
But as long as you notice, that’s just fine with me
Everything’s just fine with me


There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
I’ve been running and jumping, but barely
Getting, getting over the bar
I plan on being much more than I am but that's in do time
But until then I'm guilty, and being humans my crime
Being human that is my crime

LOVE STAYS.....

We used to walk home after schools
We crossed our hearts and hoped to die
And now I wonder why...
Our promises were broken...

We felt our love was true
Yet time reveal the truth
they say love doesn't last,
why waste your time and youth
on a thing we know won't last forever

Though it felt like love, it's just an infatuation
Though it felt like love, it's just an imitation
You asked how I know...
Well coz love never goes......LOVE STAYS
stays thru the good times...thru the bad times....
All thru the night....love will hold you
When no one else care....

true love will ALWAYS STAY

Ini adalah sambungan dari "Love? Chapter 1"....

Cinta kedua wujud dalam hidup Rose waktu Rose masih dalam 'edah' lagi (belum officially putus dengan si R).  Yang kedua ni "S" muda 2 tahun dari Rose.  Yang kedua ni okay jer...takder yang menarik sangat untuk dikongsikan ceritanya, Cuma yang Rose suker sgt kat S ni ialah badannya walaupun in-shape tapi dagingnya lembut macam daging baby (susahlah nak explain).  Part yang sedihnya ialah Rose tinggalkan dia masa kami masih bahagia.  Takder masalah aper...Cuma mungkin Rose bosan dengan S ni kot. 

Adalah sekali tuh yang kira menarik kisahnya..ketika Rose dengan cousin Rose, Leez (perempuan tulen) dalam episode kejar-mengejar dengan si S ni dan BF Leez, P.  Rose dan Leez dalam kereta, Rose yang drive; dan si S & P pulak naik motorsikal.  Lepas pertengkaran kecil, Rose terus speed kereta ayah Rose lari dari S & P.  Rose speed sampai 120km/hr dalam jalan kampung, waktu tuh pukul 11 malam.  Lebih setengah jam Rose speed (ala Queen Latifah dalam citer Taxi), Rose dan Leez terperangkap kat jalan mati.  Kantoi....dah mula perang mulut antara dua pihak Rose dgn Leez dan S & P.  Si S yang mabuk tuh dengan tak semena-menanya telah menghentakkan helmetnya ke cermin kereta bapak Rose...dan berderailah cermin kereta di jalan tanah yang becak itu.  Rose tak piker 2 kali terus jer masuk gear reverse dan press pedal sekuat-kuatnya.  Rose mati akal terus drive balik rumah.  Si P & S tak berani nak kejar leas tuh.

Yang peliknya, the next day, bila Leez dah settle dgn si P diorang gaduh pulak dengan Rose dan R.  Leez yang mulanya kira rapat jugak dengan Rose dah tak bertegus sapa.  S & P pun tak ngam lagi dah. 

BTW, cermin keta tuh S dah gantikan....keta tuh sekarang ni dah jual dah.  Walau bagaimanapun, Rose masih ingat lagi kereta tulah kereta paling sial di pekan Rose waktu tuh, kire macam rumah pelacuran bergerak.....(akan diceritakan selanjutnya dalam Rose's wild encounters)

By the way, mengenai si L yang unconsciously naked dalam bilik Rose...dier terus mabuk sampai the next morning.  Rose kejutkan dier pukul 5.30pagi waktu Rose nak pergi peperiksaan STPM.  Tentu you all nak tahukan pasal physical si L nih.  L ni pernah bekerja di kem balak so semestinya bermuscle / fat-free dan raut wajahnya kasar dek muka pun bermuscle.  Yang Rose noticed si L nih ada pakai bearing kat senjatanya...so Rose tak hairanlah nak menyiksakan tubuh Rose dengan bearing tuh....  Cuma waktu nak hafal nota tuh terganggu jugak konsentrasi Rose sebab tengok buns si L yang perfectly bulat....sayangkan? waktu tu Rose tak reti nak buat aper2 sebab Rose memang sejati pompuan aka ULTRA FEMININE..

I practised one-nite-stands since I was 13.  No matter how adorable, how good those men were, love never crossed my mind.  During that time, physical connection is all that matters.  I rarely talk with guys I had sex with.  To me, love never exists in my vocab.    (Will share with you on my wild sex encounters in other chapter, ok gurls?)

One fine day (when I was 17)....

The word "LOVE" strucked me like a thunder when I met Naxima for the first time.  She told me everything about love, on how good the feeling when she felt in love, how good sex was when accomplished with emotions.  To me (yang waktu tu quite naive), terus teruja nak jatuh cinta.

And so I did the very next night.  I found my first love and it was so easy to find love when I opened my soul.  Naxima is right.

This guy (R), spent his every night with me for the next 3 years....till I furthered my study in local u.  My love faded slowly and we separated. 

Banyak kisah menariklah dengan si R ni.  Salah satu yang bikin gempak kat pekan I yang kecil ialah masa R nak bunuh diri.  Waktu tu, I nak buat last minute revision for STPM dan tak bagi perhatian kat dier.  Ada pergaduhan kecil dan I cakap kat dier, I tak nak lagi teruskan sebab nak concentrate ngan study.  Sejam lepas tu, I terkejut sebab Naxima dgn Z (ponen) yang waktu tu masih kawan lagi), bagi tau I si R nak terjun bangunan!  So kami terus rush ke tempat tu (tengah pekan).  Waktu tu dah ramai khalayak mengerumuni bangunan tertinggi kat pekan I waktu tuh.  I malas nak ambik kisah, so I tengok jer bomba ngan polis pujuk dia kat atas.  Si R meracau tak tentu pasal...sebut nama I pulak tu.  Lepas rescue, si R nih admitted to hospital sebab dia dah buat self inflicted injuries. 

Si Naxima & Z ni suruh I pujuk dier kat hospital so we rushed to hospital.  Masa kami sampai tu, mak bapak dier merayu kat I tenangkan si R.  I mengalah.  Dengan slumberlandnya, I pergi kat bed si R dan tanya satu soalan kat dia, "Bodoh?".  Si R yang sebelumnya tenang, terus meronta macam kena rasuk.  Kecoh nurse ngan bapak dier tenangkan si R.  I terus melangkah keluar dari ward (catwalk semestinya).

Dalam pada tu, ada sorang mat nih (L) yang badan nya amat lazat yang suka kat I jugek.  Setiap kali si L nih mabuk, dia akan pegi bilik I (mungkin waktu normal dier nervous nak cakap dengan I kot?).  Dia selalu hasut I supaya jgn bersama dgn si R  sebab si R ni cureng.  I pun tau si L ni pun berhasrat untuk memiliki I.  I tak kisah sangat waktu tu sebab I pun bukannya cinta lagi kat si R.  Si L nih pulak sampai kasi tunjuk dengan I, gambar R berpeluk dengan sorang minah.  Bila I tengok gambar tu, I rasa sedih.  Sedih teramat sangat tengok gambar tu sebab minah tu...kampung sangat! 

Tengah I flipped photo, si L yang waktu tu masih mabuk, terus membogelkan dirinya di hadapan Rose.  Rose tengok jer sebab tahu lepas tu mesti dier collapse.  Tengah dier nak bukak stoking (baju, seluar & underwear dah bukak), si L pun collapsed.  I light up my cigar (kalau tak salah ingat I, rokok More menthol waktu tu)...buat revision untuk STPM, with unconcious, naked man in my room. 

To be continued..... (si R bertumbuk dengan si L, R kena tangkap bapak I waktu panjat tingkap bilik I....)

The tree lined avenue
Begins to fade from view
Drowning past regrets
In tea and cigarettes
But I can't seem to forget
When you came along

The stranger sang a theme
From someone else's dream
And the leaves began to fall
And no one spoke at all
But I can't seem to recall
When you came along

Ingenue....I just don't know what to do

Dear all, my name is Rose.... 

You might have heard about me from Naxima's blog.  Well, in my blog, you shall read nothing but the truth.... all the happiness, pain, sorrow, love and hate and all about life. 

Read on.......